My Teeth and Ambitions are Bared

Be Prepared

Journal Open to Public

My journal is open to public but I really like this graphic so, I'll keep it.

Rules on friendliness:
{001} I'd like it if we had something in common.
{002} If you're just friending me so I'll friend you back then go away.

{004} i dnt tlk lyk dis.
If you want to see me talk like this, check out: Airiechan.
{005} No flaming.
{006} I love to read and I love Science Fiction and Twilight.
{007} I don't tolerate people using GOD'S name in vain on my LJ.
{008} I like attention.
{009} I am a fangirl and a spaz.
{010} Comments are love.
{011} I don't rightly know what I like.
I mock fanfiction.
{012} I abuse ♥, XD, PWN, and =P often.
{013} I cannot be taken seriously at any moment unless stated otherwise.
{014} Love is love.
{016} I AM A GIRL, but I often choose guys to represent me.
{017} I'm whiney.
{018} I read the BIBLE.

If you want to know more about me please go to my info.

Add my bestie cat1890

White Dress, No Shoes

He remembered.

He knew her face.

Her golden hair.

Her honeyed eyes.

He knew her.

She was 16, an orphan of the war, her parents killed in the first bomb strike.  She stood in the barracks the day he joined the war efforts, terrified and trembling in a blood and soot stained white dress with no shoes.  Her feet were bloody and worse for wear, but she wasn’t crying.  She looked scared but determined.  His heart beat just a little bit faster when she walked towards him.

He didn’t know what to do.  What could he offer this small, delicate girl in the midst of war?  But it wasn’t about that, it never was with her.  She took his hand and led him somewhere else, somewhere with less noise, less people and she asked for nothing.

They sat for a long time, in silence while she trembled and he listened to the sound of his heart racing in his ears.  It was the first time he realized that war didn’t just change soldiers, it changed people.

“I lost my family,” she said at last, a whisper as she stared down at the ground, hands on her knees.  Her fingernails were filthy, gripping tightly to the fabric of her sullied dress.

“I lost mine too,” he said, voice more even, louder.  She turned to look at him then, honeyed eyes surveying his face.  He could see in those eyes curiosity, judgment and pain.  She had lost her family as he had lost his, but he sat there, an adult for many years with more experience under his belt.  Before him she was a virgin to the streets and he was a soldier.

He Knew HerCollapse )

Day to Day
I literally cannot have friends.  This is why I have video games.  I've deleted my facebook.  I need to post some writing and get active in some communities again.  I've had a lot of ideas.  Most of them...racy.

It's Who I Am
Had a huge panic attack at work today and had to leave.  It was super embarrassing so I'm doing a meme thing.

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, SPOTIFY, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits -

Let Her Go - Passenger

The scene starts in a coffee shop.  She's sitting in the back corner, a mug of tea on the table in front of her.  Her face is buried in a book, but she's not really reading.  The tea is still full, still steaming.  The people outside walk past in groups.  Everyone is lonely, but there's so many people.  So many thoughts.  Her eyes stare at the crinkled and worn pages of a book she's read so often.  A girl she used to be.  Someone she could be again if she just tried harder.  Why can't she just try.  Why can't she be her.  Why can't she be that person.  The person she hated for so long, but that was before she knew  what she could become.  It was before her fingers shook, her red and burning eyes dripped tearrs on those crinkled, yellowed pages.  She feels lost.

Waking Up -

Na Na Na [Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na] - My Chemical Romance

She wakes up.  It's another medicine day.  It's another bad day.  She can tell when she stares in the mirror.  Her hair dishelved, eyes swollen, nose red.  She's unrecognizeable.  She's still broken.  She swallows three little white pills and puts on her best smile.  She smoothes her hair into a braid and tries to be normal.  She tries to remember what normal means.  It's been so long since she felt like she was existing, but maybe today...maybe today those pills can pull her out of oblivion.  Maybe now she'll see something other than darkness.  Maybe now she can be what she used to be.  But right now she can see the cracks in her reflection.  She can see every single flaw.

First Day at School -

Wake Me Up When September Ends - Greenday

The leaves are falling and she still feels like she's a visitor in her own body.  She's floating from class to class believing that someday it gets better.  It was so good for a long time, but now she's here.  Standing in the center of campus, watching in wonder as leaves fall in blurs all around her.  And she feels like maybe she's been transported to a different dimension.  Maybe she's not real anymore.  The colors are so bright she can't even stand to watch them fall in front of her.  Coloring the ground and leading her on another dead end.  People walk by her so quickly, some nearly running into her.  She continue to stand on a small sidewalk leading people to the commuter parking lot.  Alone and in awe of how her life could have led her here.  Staring at this simple beauty when it's not at all what she deserves.  Happiness is too far off for her now.  There's nothing that could make her feel anything anymore.  Nothing but numb.  Nothing but three little pills.  She's fine, she's fine, she's fine.  But that's all she is.

Falling in Love -

Crazy Stupid Love - My Crazy Girlfriend

He's there all the time.  In the corner of her eye.  She's fallen in love with his presence.  His constant, patient presence.  He's always there and her heart can't take it.

He takes her hand.  One night he takes her hand and he shows her the world.  She can see it through his eyes and it's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.  He's so beautiful.

Until he can see through her eyes.  Until he can see the world she sees.  And then it's not the same.  Everything comes to this.  He runs.  She runs.  They both run.  Away and towards each other.  She just wants to live in his world.  She wants to live in his eyes and he wants to pull her through.  But she's there, she's stuck.  Still watching the leaves fall like a ghost.

"I love you," she says with so much pain in her voice, she's shaking.  And he just smiles.

Fight Song -

Shark in The Water - V V Brown

She can see it hovering on the edge, in the darkness of her vision.  She can feel it in the tightness in her chest.  Her stomach cramps, her eyes burn.  Her lungs quake for breath, but she can't do it.  She's shaking, holding her hands over her mouth and hiccuping.  She's drowning and she can feel it.  She can feel it coming back.  Wave after wave after wave.  She wishes she could still see the leaves.  Anything is better than the darkness.  Even those bright, vivid colors.  At least then she was still alive.  At least then she felt human, but now she can feel herself falling.  Deeper and deeper and deeper into the burning breaths, into the endless darkness.  She's too far gone to stop it.

Breaking Up -

Black Cat - Mayday Parade

It blares in her ears as she's hunched over herself, knees to her chest and sobbing.  It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.  More than she could have ever believed it hurts.  She  can still hear the whispered "I love you's" in the dark.  She can still feel his hands on her stomach, on her neck.  His lips stealing her breath.  but she can't remember, she can't remember what it felt like not to be falling.  Not to be falling deeper and deeper and deepeer in love with someone who can't do anything but grin.  BUT SMILE.  His lips curl up and she doesn't know how to do that.  She doesn't know how to love and be happy.  It's all she can do to stay above water.

Prom -

All Arise! - The Decemberists

Her dress isn't very nice.  She's pretty sure she stole it from her sister.  She's pretty sure it was a bridesmaid's dress and it's too small.  She can't really breathe much, but the music doesn't completely suck.  It's been months since the coffee shop and maybe today is a good day.  Maybe today she can float above water for long enough to smile back at the professer on the other end of the room.  Her professor.  That same beautiful man who whispered to her in the darkness, helping her light her way back from the endless darkness.  His smile is her guiding light and she can't help but be entranced.  Walking towards him with her heart on her sleeve.

Life is Good -

Kiss It Better - He Is We

She doesn't remember it ever feeling like this.  Being in love.  Being completely and utterly in love.  It feels like she's waking up for the first time.  It feels like she can smile for hours, for days, for years.  Like she's finally free of the neverending blackness swimming on the edge of her vision.  She can feel it fading away and she feels like she can make it.  She can make the leap from damaged to normal.

"Please," she says to him, a smile on her lips.  And he's crying.  He's crying so much.  And she's not sure why.  Because she's never been so happy.  She's never felt so free.  But he's here and he's crying and he's holding her and all she can do is smile because she's. so. free.

And he's begging her not to go.  He's holding her and he's begging her not to go.  She can make it if she holds on.  She can hear the sirens, but the light is so soft and so inviting.  And she's never felt so light.

"Stay with me," he sobs and she just smiles.

Mental Breakdown -

The Graveyard Near the House - The Airborne Toxic Event

He's laughing at her funeral.  He's laughing.  He can't stop.  There are so many people staring and glaring at him, but he can't stop.  She's there.  She's in a small black caskett and he's standing here in a graveyard, holding a handful of dirt and laughing.  She was so young, too young.  She hadn't even finished college.  And he can remember how happy she was to die in his arms, ice cream melting over her fingers.  She was too young.

His lungs burn and he can't breathe but he's laughing.  He's crying too, but he's laughing, dirt falling from his fingers onto her grave.  Onto her tiny. black. caskett.  And he can't help himself because she's dead and he's standing beside her.  He's standing beside her corpse, descending slowly into a hold in the ground.  And all he can think about his how it's so funny.  That she was so happy dying there in his arms.

Driving -

Clarity - Foxes

It's raining.  A year later it's raining.  And it's sort of fitting that it's raining.  He can't think of more perfect weather for feeling like he's drowning in the memory of her.  It's been a year, she's been gone for a year, but his heart still aches with the memory of this woman he couldn't even help.  He only knew her for five years, but he remembers every second of those five years.  He can still hear her voice, every syllable and every single solitary way her mouth ever wrapped around his name.  He can't see the road, but he keeps trying to get further.  He keeps trying to put her behind him.  There is no other way.

Flashback -

You Found Me - The Fray

He sees her.  At at first he thinks it's her.  He can't think of any other explanation.  She's standing across the road from him.  Her long brown hair spilling in waves over her sholders, damp from the rain.  She pulls out a black and pink polka dotted unbrella.  And she's a ghost.  She's the ghost of a girl, of a woman he loved more than anything.

He makes it across the traffic, running so fast he's afraid he'll fall, slip in the rain.  But there she is and he can't wait.  He needs to touch her.

He screams her name, he calls after her, running so fast his lungs are burning.  He forgets his umbrella in the street, horns thunder behind him.  But he can't let her go, not again.  He's screaming so loud when he makes it to her, grabbing her elbow.  She whirls on him and he can see her face.

It's her.  But it's not.

Getting Back Together -

Our July in the Rain - He is We

He can finally breathe again, watching her across the table from him.  Two years.  Two whole years without her and here she is.  Alive and happier than he's ever seen her.  She doesn't remember him.  But he knows it's her.  Her smile is the same.  The way her eyes crinkle.  The sound of her voice, the heat of her fingertips against his skin.  She's so beautiful.

She used to be angry at him.  For grabbing her so roughly and exposing her to the rain.  She struggled against him at first, but he breathed her name out like a prayer and she stopped.

"Do I know you?" She asked.  And he felt the air leave his lungs.  It's her.  It's her but it's not.  It's. Her.

She sips her tea.  The same crinkled book in her hands.  And she looks happy.

Wedding -

If I Die Young - The Band Perry

She's so beautiful standing there in white.  Her long brown hair drawn up in the most complicated bun he's ever seen.  She doesn't wear a veil, instead she has blue and white butterflies in her hair.  She looks so breathtaking coming down that aisle.  He almost can't stand to look at her.

Her smile is so bright his eyes sting from tears.  They've made it so far and he just wants to make it forever.  No one said anything when he met her family.  Her same family, but different.  It's still surreal to him, but he won't question second chances.  Not with her, not ever with her.

She makes it to him and she can't stop smiling.  Nothing can keep them apart now.  Never again.

Paying the Dues -

Who I am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K

It never stops raining.  Not ever.  He holds her hand, running through it, but it's not quite the same as it used to be.  There's something coming and neither of them can avoid it.  They try to run, to hide, to pretend it won't ever happen to them.  But the rain keeps falling, the world keeps spinning, and sometimes reality catches up to them.  Biting at their heels as they continue to try to escape a neverending darkness.

The inevitibility of her.

The Night Before the War -

Stars - Switchfoot

She's always loved the leaves.  Their colors are so bright and watching them fall chases away the feeling of needing to run.  But he's not here to hold her hand now and watching the leaves fall seems so cruel.  She was supposed to go too.  She was supposed to be there, but there's something growing inside of her.  That same inevitibility.  The same thing they're always running from.  But without him here, she's stopped.  She's stopped and she feels like a ghost.  She feels inevitible.

People are passing her, like blurs on her vision.  Everything is moving so fast.  So much faster than she can comprehend.  Her hands rest on her stomach and she can feel it.  She can feel the world blurring and fading around her.  Until there's nothing but that single, solitary INEVITIBILITY that his her standing here alone.

She buys ice cream and waits, the feeling of time swimming around her.  Everything boiling down to this one, single moment.  She watches it melt over her fingers and she hears the click of the gun.

Final Battle -

Something I Need - OneRepublic

He keeps dreaming, remembering her voice.  He'll remember her voice forever.  Her soft laughter.  And if he dies tomorrow it doesn't matter because he can feel time bending around him and around her.  She's a million miles away and he can still feel it.  He knows.  Tomorrow if he doesn't make it, he can die with her.  He can die beside her, lightyears away, but together.

He remembers it.  He remembers what it looks like.  Like it's burned in his head.  Every single time it happens.  Every single time they're in the same place and he knows it.  He's seen it.  For a million billion years he's seen it happening.  Because it can't not happen.  It's inevitible.  She's inevitible.  And no matter what he loves her.

Moment of Triumph -

crushcrushcruch - Paramore

There's a single coffee shop in Northern Seattle where it never stops raining.  And she's sitting there, waiting.  She'll always be waiting because there's a war going on.  There's a war being waged thousands of years in the future and time stands frozen in this little coffee shop.

She flashes in as a ball of light and he's there to watch her, unmoving.  It's inevitible.  Them.  They're inevitible.

Instead of tea, today she buys ice cream.  And he watches it melt over her fingers.  And he pulls the trigger.

Death Scene -

We Might as Well be Strangers - Keane

And she's falling.  The frozen treat melting slowly, meeting red.  She's not breathing, but she can still smile.

It's inevitible.

Funeral Song -

The Greatest Story Never Told - Murray Gold

She always dies.  He always lives.  Millions of years in a single coffee shop, time constantly putting them there.  Forever and ever and ever.  And a single funeral for the rest of time.  Until he sees her waiting across the street in the rain with the same umbrella and he knows it will never be more than a dream.  Until he touches her and he can see her eyes.  A different color every time.  A different person, but still the same.

End Credits -

I Write Sins, Not Tragedies - Panic! At the Disco

This time she doesn't buy ice cream.  But she looks the same.  She doesn't buy ice cream, but it's definitely her.  His hand twitches on the gun and he calls out to her.  She doesn't respond.  She doesn't respond to her name.  The same name she's always had since he started loving her.  Since the beginning of time.

He gets up, his gun isn't hidden anymore and people are yelling.  She looks at him, eyes bright gray.  She smiles, but it's wrong, it's all wrong.  She's scared this time.  But maybe she's scared every time.  She holds a croissant in one hand and tea in the other and he doesn't understand why it's not the same ice cream always melting down her fingers.

"What are you doing?" She asks, her voice almost shrill and he watches her.  He says her name again and she looks confused.  But maybe she always looks confused.

"I'm not her.." she says and he pulls the trigger.  She drops her tea and croissant, falling to the floor.  It's always her.

...But maybe she's said that before.

2015 And I'm Doing Fine

NAME: Cara
BFF: James, English, Erin, Caitlyn, Jennifer, Chelsea
Dance: Yes.
Sing: Yes.
Good: Lolno.
Phone: Yes
Live: Yes

trouble, trouble, trouble;Collapse )

Stuffed Animal: Tons
Socks on?: Nah.
Summer?: Working
Lonely?: No
Kissed?: Yeah
Drugs: :).
Kiss on first date?: Of course.
Crush on someone?: Yep.
Skirt or dress?: Dress.
Sweater or sweatshirt: Sweater.
Jeans or cords: Jeggings
Coffee or hot chocolate: Tea.
Are you a happy person?: Yes.
If you weren't you, would you be friends with you?: Sure.

Name: Cara
Birthday: 8/1
Location: WA
Zodiac sign: Leo
Height: 5'9
Eyes:  Brown
Pets:Oliver and Ophelia
Hair color: Deep Brown
Where were you born? Washington
Are you a night or a morning person? Both..
Are you ticklish?
Nicknames: Cars, Mass Coom, Dess, Des, Dessy, Des;Mona

Getting personal-----------------
What do you want to be when you grow up? A novelist.
What was the worst day of your life? I don't know.
What has been the best day of your life? Every day.
Do you have a boyfriend? Yes, and a girlfriend as well.
What are you most afraid of? Death.
If you could do anything without consequences, what would you do? Become rich by stealing..

Movies: Interstellar, Lion King, Zombieland, Mean Girls, Pitch Perfect
Song: Dare You to Move - Switchfoot
Colours: Pink

Name for a girl: Francesca, Blair, Giselle
Name for a boy: Zane, Zander, and James
Actress: Billie Piper
Actor: David Tennent
Animal: Deer
Word: Quintessential
Cartoon: Codename: Kids Next Door, Xialin Showdown

Not so favorite--------------
Store: Lane Bryant.
President: Bush
Place to be: @home
Feeling: Fear.

Have you ever---------------
Been in love? Yes.
Tried smoking? Yes
Drank alcohol? Every day
Smoked marijuana? Yes.
Kissed someone? Yes
French kissed someone? Yes.
Lost your virginity? Yes
Stayed up all night? Yes
Hated yourself? Yes
Been brokenhearted? Yes
Wanted to kill someone? Yes

Do you------
Like to give hugs? No.
Like to walk in the rain? No..
Ever cut or hurt yourself? Not anymore..
Think your attractive? Yes.
Ever have the falling dream? Yes.

Do you believe in the devil: Yes.
Do you believe in fate: Yes..
Name something that comes in threes:Everything.  There's a goddamn artistic rule..
Whats under your bed: Nothing.  It is a mattress on the floor.
Do you see dead people: No.
Ever seen a ghost: No

And, the question that we all need to know......Coke or Pepsi?


Writing: Lots of things.

Wearing: PJs

Worrying about: Maybe I have an eye infection

Obessing over: Blue.  A fanfiction baseed on one of my older fanfictions that I'm in love with.  And Mass Effect.  Obviously.

Watching: Teen Wolf

Reading: A ot of fanfiction

Listening to: Nothing

Eating: Nothing

Manga Crush: I think his name is Sato?

Anime Crush: Don't watch Anime.

Celebrity Crush: David Tennent.

Crush: James, Erin

Drinking: Water

Studying: Me

Doing: This.

Thinking: Nothing.

Dreaming: No.

Talking to: No one..

About to: Sleep?

Making: Poop

MSN status: N/A


2015 - Where Am I Now
starting time 12:05am EST:
name: Cara
sisters: 2
brothers: 2
shoe size: 11
height: 5'9''

where do you live: usa
favourite drinks: water
favourite breakfast: Vanilla greek yogurt.
have you ever been on a plane?: yes
swam in the ocean: yes.
fallen asleep at school: yes.
broken someone's heart: yes.
fell off your chair: yes.
sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: yes.
saved e-mails: yes.

what is your room like: p clean..
what's right beside you: paper towels, my cell phone, yarn, and a cat
what is the last thing you ate: sour cream and onion crisps

ever had chicken pox: no.
sore throat: yes.
stitches: yes.
broken nose: no.

do you believe in love at first sight: no.
like picnics: yes.
who was/were the last person/people you danced with: my cat Ophelia.  Or Cullen from Dragon age depending on how you wanna look at it.
last made you smile: dr. christina yang.
you last yelled at: meredith gray

today did you:
talk to someone you like: yes.
kiss anyone: yes.
get sick: no.
talk to an ex: no.
miss someone: yes..
eat: yes.

best feeling in the world: having enough money to pay bills.
do you sleep with stuffed animals: no, but my cat lets me hug him like he's a stuffed animal.
what's under your bed: nothing. it's literally a mattress on the floor.
who do you really hate: people.
what time is it now?: 12:11am EST

is there a person who is on your mind now: yes.
do you have any siblings: two sisters and two brothers.
do you want children: yes. I want to adopt.
do you smile often: yes.
do you like your hand-writing: yes.
are your toe nails painted: no.
whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in: mine.
what color shirt are you wearing now: gray.
what were you doing at 7:00 p.m. yesterday: probably driving home in traffic.
i can't wait till: grad graduation!
are you a friendly person: yes.
do you have any pets: yes
where is the person you have feelings for right now?: in our bed. At home.
did the last person you held hands with mean anything to you now?: yes
do you sleep with the tv on?: no
what are you doing right now?: filling out this in the dark while I should be sleeping.
have you ever crawled through a window?: yes.
can you handle the truth?: yes.
are you too forgiving? no.
are you closer to your mother or father?: :)
who was the last person you cried in front of?: james.
how many people can you say you've really loved?: two.
do you eat healthy?: yes.
do you still have pictures of you & your ex?: yes.
have you ever cried because of something someone said to you?: yes
if you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to?: james
are you loud or quiet most of the time?: quiet
are you confident?: definitely.

Crushes and Liars
I've been in a relationship for about 5 years now and it's gotten to that point where I don't want to be with anyone else, but then I meet someone like this person I'm talking to now...someone who challenges me and makes sarcastic witty remarks.  Then they say you text them too much and you're like wait let me reevaluate everything I've been learning about you.  I'm not an emotional person.  I pretty much have complete control over what I feel and if I don't want to feel something I don't, but goddammit if that didn't hurt like hell.  I'm sorry I text you so much? You respond equally as much though and I don't know what I did to make you so upset, but.  Okay I wont text you anymore.

Augh crushes.

Losing Faith and Losing Friends

I never really prided myself on being the type of person who honestly cares about what happens to other people...especially if they choose to no longer have anything to do with me.  I've always assumed that my bitchiness and stepping on people's toes wouldn't warrant me to have very many friends, but I've never made an enemy.  Until recently.

A friend I have had for almost ten years now deleted me on facebook three months ago because, and she told me this, my existence was inconsequential to her.  She literally told me she did not give a shit about my entire existence.  She she continues to ignore me.  And I guess that hurts, but she can do what she wants.  I don't care.  I ignore any type of negativity and rarely have emotions such as anger or resentment or even hurt.

No, you know what hurts? Someone I've known for a fraction of that time.  This woman and I are married on facebook, I try to text her every single time I'm not dying under the weight of school.  But she decided due to the fact that I am sometimes an awful person who gets ahead of myself and my emotions rather than being patient she no longer wanted anything to do with me.

That hurts.  That hurts more than anything.  Because I know I'm awful.  I know and sometimes it hurts me to know this.  Because there's something I want now and can't get out of my head.  And I could have it.  But not if it means losing someone I care about so much.  I can't live with that.  Especially for something I know would be so short-lived and inconsequential to my life.

I don't want to be a bad person.

Life makes me angry
I hate people.  I have such destructive agoraphobia that it makes me want to go into murderous rages all over the place in every way, shape and form.  I literally hate people.  I hate that they exist, I hate that I have to interact with them, I hate that they're all pretty much stupid.  I just want to curl up into a tiny ball of rage in a nice dark, closed off space and ignore the actual fuck out of almost everyone.  There are a few people I can handle and enjoy, but pretty much everyone else, your goddamn existence annoys the fuck out of me.

It snowed in SC.  I'm close to quitting my job because we were the only thing open on campus when it was snowing because upper management would not let us leave.  Despite the fact that people had fallen down in the store from the floor being wet and we still had to drive home.  Fuck them.  I need a new job before I lose my mind.

On the bright side, I am doing amazingly in my IMC class even though I half-assed a project.  Or y'know, all the projects.
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I have way to many emo avatars
I don't have one to describe the extreme amazeballs ment of this moment in which I got an A.  AN ACTUAL A. On a midterm (I literally only missed 2 points).  I was one of the four in the class to get an A and my life is freaking complete.  4/20! Haha.
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After 3 years James and I broke up.  Our relationship has pretty much remained the same, we are each other's rocks and we still have sex on a regular basis.  What has changed is that I'm pregnant.  Don't know how it happened because I'm supposed to be infertile and I'm on the pill, but it happened.  So there we go.  My life is pretty fucked up.


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