- July 28th, 2015
Had a huge panic attack at work today and had to leave. It was super embarrassing so I'm doing a meme thing.
IF YOUR LIFE WERE A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, SPOTIFY, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...
Opening Credits -
Let Her Go - Passenger
The scene starts in a coffee shop. She's sitting in the back corner, a mug of tea on the table in front of her. Her face is buried in a book, but she's not really reading. The tea is still full, still steaming. The people outside walk past in groups. Everyone is lonely, but there's so many people. So many thoughts. Her eyes stare at the crinkled and worn pages of a book she's read so often. A girl she used to be. Someone she could be again if she just tried harder. Why can't she just try. Why can't she be her. Why can't she be that person. The person she hated for so long, but that was before she knew what she could become. It was before her fingers shook, her red and burning eyes dripped tearrs on those crinkled, yellowed pages. She feels lost.
Waking Up -
Na Na Na [Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na] - My Chemical Romance
She wakes up. It's another medicine day. It's another bad day. She can tell when she stares in the mirror. Her hair dishelved, eyes swollen, nose red. She's unrecognizeable. She's still broken. She swallows three little white pills and puts on her best smile. She smoothes her hair into a braid and tries to be normal. She tries to remember what normal means. It's been so long since she felt like she was existing, but maybe today...maybe today those pills can pull her out of oblivion. Maybe now she'll see something other than darkness. Maybe now she can be what she used to be. But right now she can see the cracks in her reflection. She can see every single flaw.
First Day at School -
Wake Me Up When September Ends - Greenday
The leaves are falling and she still feels like she's a visitor in her own body. She's floating from class to class believing that someday it gets better. It was so good for a long time, but now she's here. Standing in the center of campus, watching in wonder as leaves fall in blurs all around her. And she feels like maybe she's been transported to a different dimension. Maybe she's not real anymore. The colors are so bright she can't even stand to watch them fall in front of her. Coloring the ground and leading her on another dead end. People walk by her so quickly, some nearly running into her. She continue to stand on a small sidewalk leading people to the commuter parking lot. Alone and in awe of how her life could have led her here. Staring at this simple beauty when it's not at all what she deserves. Happiness is too far off for her now. There's nothing that could make her feel anything anymore. Nothing but numb. Nothing but three little pills. She's fine, she's fine, she's fine. But that's all she is.
Falling in Love -
Crazy Stupid Love - My Crazy Girlfriend
He's there all the time. In the corner of her eye. She's fallen in love with his presence. His constant, patient presence. He's always there and her heart can't take it.
He takes her hand. One night he takes her hand and he shows her the world. She can see it through his eyes and it's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. He's so beautiful.
Until he can see through her eyes. Until he can see the world she sees. And then it's not the same. Everything comes to this. He runs. She runs. They both run. Away and towards each other. She just wants to live in his world. She wants to live in his eyes and he wants to pull her through. But she's there, she's stuck. Still watching the leaves fall like a ghost.
"I love you," she says with so much pain in her voice, she's shaking. And he just smiles.
Fight Song -
Shark in The Water - V V Brown
She can see it hovering on the edge, in the darkness of her vision. She can feel it in the tightness in her chest. Her stomach cramps, her eyes burn. Her lungs quake for breath, but she can't do it. She's shaking, holding her hands over her mouth and hiccuping. She's drowning and she can feel it. She can feel it coming back. Wave after wave after wave. She wishes she could still see the leaves. Anything is better than the darkness. Even those bright, vivid colors. At least then she was still alive. At least then she felt human, but now she can feel herself falling. Deeper and deeper and deeper into the burning breaths, into the endless darkness. She's too far gone to stop it.
Breaking Up -
Black Cat - Mayday Parade
It blares in her ears as she's hunched over herself, knees to her chest and sobbing. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. More than she could have ever believed it hurts. She can still hear the whispered "I love you's" in the dark. She can still feel his hands on her stomach, on her neck. His lips stealing her breath. but she can't remember, she can't remember what it felt like not to be falling. Not to be falling deeper and deeper and deepeer in love with someone who can't do anything but grin. BUT SMILE. His lips curl up and she doesn't know how to do that. She doesn't know how to love and be happy. It's all she can do to stay above water.
All Arise! - The Decemberists
Her dress isn't very nice. She's pretty sure she stole it from her sister. She's pretty sure it was a bridesmaid's dress and it's too small. She can't really breathe much, but the music doesn't completely suck. It's been months since the coffee shop and maybe today is a good day. Maybe today she can float above water for long enough to smile back at the professer on the other end of the room. Her professor. That same beautiful man who whispered to her in the darkness, helping her light her way back from the endless darkness. His smile is her guiding light and she can't help but be entranced. Walking towards him with her heart on her sleeve.
Life is Good -
Kiss It Better - He Is We
She doesn't remember it ever feeling like this. Being in love. Being completely and utterly in love. It feels like she's waking up for the first time. It feels like she can smile for hours, for days, for years. Like she's finally free of the neverending blackness swimming on the edge of her vision. She can feel it fading away and she feels like she can make it. She can make the leap from damaged to normal.
"Please," she says to him, a smile on her lips. And he's crying. He's crying so much. And she's not sure why. Because she's never been so happy. She's never felt so free. But he's here and he's crying and he's holding her and all she can do is smile because she's. so. free.
And he's begging her not to go. He's holding her and he's begging her not to go. She can make it if she holds on. She can hear the sirens, but the light is so soft and so inviting. And she's never felt so light.
"Stay with me," he sobs and she just smiles.
Mental Breakdown -
The Graveyard Near the House - The Airborne Toxic Event
He's laughing at her funeral. He's laughing. He can't stop. There are so many people staring and glaring at him, but he can't stop. She's there. She's in a small black caskett and he's standing here in a graveyard, holding a handful of dirt and laughing. She was so young, too young. She hadn't even finished college. And he can remember how happy she was to die in his arms, ice cream melting over her fingers. She was too young.
His lungs burn and he can't breathe but he's laughing. He's crying too, but he's laughing, dirt falling from his fingers onto her grave. Onto her tiny. black. caskett. And he can't help himself because she's dead and he's standing beside her. He's standing beside her corpse, descending slowly into a hold in the ground. And all he can think about his how it's so funny. That she was so happy dying there in his arms.
Clarity - Foxes
It's raining. A year later it's raining. And it's sort of fitting that it's raining. He can't think of more perfect weather for feeling like he's drowning in the memory of her. It's been a year, she's been gone for a year, but his heart still aches with the memory of this woman he couldn't even help. He only knew her for five years, but he remembers every second of those five years. He can still hear her voice, every syllable and every single solitary way her mouth ever wrapped around his name. He can't see the road, but he keeps trying to get further. He keeps trying to put her behind him. There is no other way.
You Found Me - The Fray
He sees her. At at first he thinks it's her. He can't think of any other explanation. She's standing across the road from him. Her long brown hair spilling in waves over her sholders, damp from the rain. She pulls out a black and pink polka dotted unbrella. And she's a ghost. She's the ghost of a girl, of a woman he loved more than anything.
He makes it across the traffic, running so fast he's afraid he'll fall, slip in the rain. But there she is and he can't wait. He needs to touch her.
He screams her name, he calls after her, running so fast his lungs are burning. He forgets his umbrella in the street, horns thunder behind him. But he can't let her go, not again. He's screaming so loud when he makes it to her, grabbing her elbow. She whirls on him and he can see her face.
It's her. But it's not.
Getting Back Together -
Our July in the Rain - He is We
He can finally breathe again, watching her across the table from him. Two years. Two whole years without her and here she is. Alive and happier than he's ever seen her. She doesn't remember him. But he knows it's her. Her smile is the same. The way her eyes crinkle. The sound of her voice, the heat of her fingertips against his skin. She's so beautiful.
She used to be angry at him. For grabbing her so roughly and exposing her to the rain. She struggled against him at first, but he breathed her name out like a prayer and she stopped.
"Do I know you?" She asked. And he felt the air leave his lungs. It's her. It's her but it's not. It's. Her.
She sips her tea. The same crinkled book in her hands. And she looks happy.
If I Die Young - The Band Perry
She's so beautiful standing there in white. Her long brown hair drawn up in the most complicated bun he's ever seen. She doesn't wear a veil, instead she has blue and white butterflies in her hair. She looks so breathtaking coming down that aisle. He almost can't stand to look at her.
Her smile is so bright his eyes sting from tears. They've made it so far and he just wants to make it forever. No one said anything when he met her family. Her same family, but different. It's still surreal to him, but he won't question second chances. Not with her, not ever with her.
She makes it to him and she can't stop smiling. Nothing can keep them apart now. Never again.
Paying the Dues -
Who I am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K
It never stops raining. Not ever. He holds her hand, running through it, but it's not quite the same as it used to be. There's something coming and neither of them can avoid it. They try to run, to hide, to pretend it won't ever happen to them. But the rain keeps falling, the world keeps spinning, and sometimes reality catches up to them. Biting at their heels as they continue to try to escape a neverending darkness.
The inevitibility of her.
The Night Before the War -
Stars - Switchfoot
She's always loved the leaves. Their colors are so bright and watching them fall chases away the feeling of needing to run. But he's not here to hold her hand now and watching the leaves fall seems so cruel. She was supposed to go too. She was supposed to be there, but there's something growing inside of her. That same inevitibility. The same thing they're always running from. But without him here, she's stopped. She's stopped and she feels like a ghost. She feels inevitible.
People are passing her, like blurs on her vision. Everything is moving so fast. So much faster than she can comprehend. Her hands rest on her stomach and she can feel it. She can feel the world blurring and fading around her. Until there's nothing but that single, solitary INEVITIBILITY that his her standing here alone.
She buys ice cream and waits, the feeling of time swimming around her. Everything boiling down to this one, single moment. She watches it melt over her fingers and she hears the click of the gun.
Final Battle -
Something I Need - OneRepublic
He keeps dreaming, remembering her voice. He'll remember her voice forever. Her soft laughter. And if he dies tomorrow it doesn't matter because he can feel time bending around him and around her. She's a million miles away and he can still feel it. He knows. Tomorrow if he doesn't make it, he can die with her. He can die beside her, lightyears away, but together.
He remembers it. He remembers what it looks like. Like it's burned in his head. Every single time it happens. Every single time they're in the same place and he knows it. He's seen it. For a million billion years he's seen it happening. Because it can't not happen. It's inevitible. She's inevitible. And no matter what he loves her.
Moment of Triumph -
crushcrushcruch - Paramore
There's a single coffee shop in Northern Seattle where it never stops raining. And she's sitting there, waiting. She'll always be waiting because there's a war going on. There's a war being waged thousands of years in the future and time stands frozen in this little coffee shop.
She flashes in as a ball of light and he's there to watch her, unmoving. It's inevitible. Them. They're inevitible.
Instead of tea, today she buys ice cream. And he watches it melt over her fingers. And he pulls the trigger.
Death Scene -
We Might as Well be Strangers - Keane
And she's falling. The frozen treat melting slowly, meeting red. She's not breathing, but she can still smile.
Funeral Song -
The Greatest Story Never Told - Murray Gold
She always dies. He always lives. Millions of years in a single coffee shop, time constantly putting them there. Forever and ever and ever. And a single funeral for the rest of time. Until he sees her waiting across the street in the rain with the same umbrella and he knows it will never be more than a dream. Until he touches her and he can see her eyes. A different color every time. A different person, but still the same.
End Credits -
I Write Sins, Not Tragedies - Panic! At the Disco
This time she doesn't buy ice cream. But she looks the same. She doesn't buy ice cream, but it's definitely her. His hand twitches on the gun and he calls out to her. She doesn't respond. She doesn't respond to her name. The same name she's always had since he started loving her. Since the beginning of time.
He gets up, his gun isn't hidden anymore and people are yelling. She looks at him, eyes bright gray. She smiles, but it's wrong, it's all wrong. She's scared this time. But maybe she's scared every time. She holds a croissant in one hand and tea in the other and he doesn't understand why it's not the same ice cream always melting down her fingers.
"What are you doing?" She asks, her voice almost shrill and he watches her. He says her name again and she looks confused. But maybe she always looks confused.
"I'm not her.." she says and he pulls the trigger. She drops her tea and croissant, falling to the floor. It's always her.
...But maybe she's said that before.